Hellsing's Got Talent 1

"Good evening everyone," Walter greets the audience who cheer when he made his appearance on stage, smiling at the camera that zoomed in on him. Once the crowd calmed down, the butler continued. "Thank you all for coming to see Hellsing's Got Talent tonight! Now lets welcome our judges." At this, the Hellsing butler steps aside as the large monitor behind him begins to split.

"Sir Integral Hellsing!" The crowd goes wild as the leader of Hellsing steps out of the bright light and onto the center of the stage, smirking at the audience.

"Herr Major!" The audience cheers again as the war lover steps out also, joining the blond woman on stage. He waves at everyone, flashing a grin.

"Archbishop Maxwell!" Again the crowd goes wild, and the Archbishop strides to the other judges' side.

Walter gestures for the audience to quiet down, and it takes a while for them to do so. "Thank you, now the judges may take their seats." The three judges walk off stage to the front of it where there is a table for them to sit on. In front of their chairs are red buttons, of course those who know this show knows what that button does. But since this is Hellsing's Got Talent, we have to have a bit of fun.

"Our first contestant is the all famous, No Life King! Alucard!" Walter says, and the crowd shouts with joy. The judges and Walter have to close their ears because of the high pitch squeal the audience gives as the vampire in red walks out on stage.

"So Alucard," Walter begins, "what are you going to perform?"

Alucard just grinned broadly, earning more squeals. "I'm going to sing."

"Sing? I've never heard you sing before. I can't wait to see how this turns out," the butler says, and begins to walk off stage.

Alucard steps back a bit, and turns his back to the audience. Then, the music starts to play 'I'm Too Sexy' by 'Right Said Fred.'

"I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love. Love's going to leave me..." Alucard says huskily, looking over his shoulder to the audience and the judges. The judges' eyes widen as their jaws drop, and Integra's cigar falls from her mouth.

Alucard dances a bit to the song until the next lyrics come.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts!" The No Life King begins to slowly take off his coat, dropping it on the floor as he sways his hips. This earns many squeals and fainting in the audience. "And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan!" He takes off his cravat, and throws it to one of the girls in the crowd. The girl squeals and is tackled for the cravat by other fans.

"And I'm too sexy for your party. Too sexy for your party. No way I'm disco dancing!" He sings, and starts doing the famous disco move. "I'm a model you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk." At this, Alucard starts walking on the stage like he's a model. "Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk." Then he comes to a halt to spin. When he finishes his spin, he wags his eyebrows at the camera, and more fans faint.

Alucard sways his hips more, as he starts to pull his vest off. Grinning as he hears the cheers. Suddenly the sound of a buzzer sounds loudly, and the large X over Integra's name lights up.

The No Life King raises an eyebrow at his Master. "Aw Master, what's wrong? Not enjoying the show?"

Integra turns red and growls. "No I'm not! What's wrong is why these two aren't pressing the button either!" The woman says, referring to Maxwell and Major.

Alucard grins. "Well that's obvious. They think I'm sexy, unlike some people."

Fortunately, or unfortunately, Alucard's act has come to an end. The vampire steps up to the mic that rises up out of the stage.

"Archbishop?" Walter asks, clearly everyone there is a bit flustered of what they had just witnessed.

Maxwell blinks. "Uh... I must say, I'm speechless." The crowd cheers and Alucard grins. "I like how you got the audience wild with your act."

"Thank you," The butler says, and turns to the man in the white suit. "Major?"

"Vell, I 'ave to agree vith Maxwell. I'm impressed at how zhe audience reacted so vell vith your act, und how you responded to zhem in return. All in all, brilliant performance."

"Sir Integra?"

Integra rubs her temples, and opens her eyes, glaring at her servant. "Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again."

The crowd boos and Integra turns around to them saying, "Oh shut up all you pervs!" Then turns back around in her seat, grumbling something about people having such dirty minds.

"And the final results?" Walter asks.

"Yes," Maxwell answers.

"No," Integra says, earning boos.

Major grins and says, "Its a yes for me,"

Walter smiles the crowd goes wild again. Alucard waves to them, flashing his fangs as he makes his way off stage. Before he could disappear, one girl shouts, "I LOVE YOU ALUCARD!"

"Alright, now for our next contestant, we have," Walter pulls out a piece of paper and reads off of it before looking up back at the audience. "Miss Seras Victoria!"

Everyone claps for the draculina, some cheering, and a few whistles go around. The draculina steps up to the mic, smiling nervously at everyone.

"And what will you perform for us, Miss Victoria?" Walter asks, putting a hand on her shoulder to encourage her.

"Well, I'm going to do some pole dancing." Mainly it is the men who cheer loudly for her, whistling too.

"Alright, good luck," Walter says patting her shoulder, and the draculina thanks the man. She walks up to the pole that rises up from the stage, and exciting music starts to play.

Seras grabs the pole, and swiftly pulls herself up in the air, her legs sticking out. The men howl and hoot, even some girls too. Seras hooks her legs to the pole, and lets her hands free as she gracefully slides to the bottom where she poses. The blond vampire clutches the pole again, and starts spinning around it until she speeds up to the point where she becomes a blur. Everyone cheers at her performance, and when she stops spinning, Seras only holds onto the pole with her hands, and spreads her legs out as she slides down the pole again.

The music gradually dies when Seras completes her performance, and walks up to the mic. She smiles at the hoots she gets, and waves to whoever cheered her on.

"Well, Seras," Integra says, dabbing her bloody nose, and so do the other judges. "if you were human, I would be impressed, since your a vampire, I'm not entirely." Some people boo the Hellsing leader again, but Integra ignores them. "But I must say, I'm still pretty impressed." Now she finally gets some cheers.

Maxwell leans on his forearms on the table, and looks at Seras. "You did a great performance," he says, "but maybe in the future you should add something more... exciting."

"PERV!" Someone shouts from the crowd an Maxwell briskly turns around in his chair, sending glares around. "Who said that?!" In response, he earns giggles. Sighing, Maxwell adjusts his glasses as she turns back to Seras. "As I was saying, you should add something more exciting, maybe fit something dangerous in your act to make it more intense and interesting."

"Vell, I thought it vas interesting itself," Major says as he leans back in his seat. He folds his hands on his lap, and gives the police girl a cheeky grin. "You did a vonderful job, und I am looking forvard to more of your performances."

"And the final result?" Walter asks, and the three judges mingle amongst themselves.

"Its a yes," Maxwell announces and everyone cheers.

"Alright, thank you very much judges. You did a wonderful job, Miss Victoria."

"Thanks Walter," the police girl says, and bows before taking her leave.

"Next we have Jan Valentine!"

Integra lets out a scoff, leaning into her palm. "Oh this should be interesting."

Jan Valentine walks out onto stage, flashing his middle finger at everyone. "What's up motherf***ers!" The vampire blinks confusingly and looks around. "What the f***? Why the f*** are you f****ing blocking my f***ing words?!"

"You're not allowed to curse on television without it being blocked out," Walter replies.

Jan's jaw drops. "Aw this is some f***ed up s***!"

"Is this your performance?" Integra asks. "Breaking the world record of saying the most curse words in one sentence?"

"What? F*** naw! I already won that s***! I'ma rap ya'll motherf***ers to death! Yeah b****es!" He says, and thrusts his pelvis.

Integra pressed her button, and the large X lights up with a loud buzz. She chuckles at Jan's reaction.

"What the f*** b****?! I didn't even f***ing start my god**** performance yet!"

"Then bloody start already!" Integra orders, slamming a fist down.

"D*** b****! Alright, alright!" Jan says, and grabs the mic off of its stands as the beat begins. "Aww s***! Get your towels ready it's about to go down. Everybody in the place hit the f***ing deck. But stay on your motherf***ing toes! We running this, let's go!"

Some people sing along, and this causes lots of beeps to block out the curses. So this meant you could hardly hear the vampire rap.

"I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Everybody look at me cause I'm sailing on a boat! I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good hard look at the motherf***ing boat!" Jan sings, waving his middle finger around. "I'm on a boat motherf***er, take a look at me. Straight floating on a boat on the deep blue sea. Busting five knots, wind whipping at my coat. You can't stop me motherf***er cause I'm on a boat!"

All three judges press their buttons, and the music comes to a sudden halt. Suddenly, the X on which Jan was standing on, opened up to a dark hole, and his eyes widened. "Aw f*** me!" He says, and falls into the hole, shouting all the way down.

"Thank God that's over..." Integra grumbles.

"Well that's all for the auditions tonight," Walter announces. "Tune in tomorrow to see the next batch to perform! This is Hellsing's Got Talent, have a good night everyone!"

The theme song starts to play as the lights flash and the crowd cheers. The judges wave to the audience as they make their way backstage. Major even takes his time to shake some of their hands.

"Well that was interesting," Integra says, pulling out a cigar and a lighter as they walk backstage.

Maxwell wrinkles his nose at her in disgust. "You're really going to smoke that in here, you Protestant sow?"

The Hellsing leader just smirks as she lights her cigar. She took a drag, and blew it in the archbishop's face. The man scowls at her, and covers his mouth and nose as he waves at the smoke.

"Obviously, Catholic scum," Integra says, and walks away with a smirk.

"You aren't so vell vith zhe ladies are you, bishop?" Major says, grinning as they watch the Hellsing leader walk away.

Maxwell glares at the fat man next to him. "I wasn't even trying to do something! And that archbishop, to you," He huffs, and walks to his dressing room.

Major's grin only grows broader as he too, walks to his room.

Somewhere else backstage, Walter interviews Jan Valentine after his failed performance. "Do you think the judges should have let you stayed on stage longer?"

"Hell f***ing yeah! Man, they don't know what they're missing! But you know what? F*** ya'll!" He shouts, and puts his middle finger up to the camera. "And shove it up your a****!" With that, he pushes the camera out of his face and begins walking away, singing to another song.

"I just had s**! And it felt so good!" He sings, spreading his arms out as he makes his disappearance down the hall.